Posts tagged people

Affirmations; in honour of the girl who believed in my lawyerly skills

Educative 12 Comments

I have noticed that there’s so much shaming, people-bashing or deliberate subbing and shading of our fellows. I say our fellows because there’s a bond there. You are forced to consider that they aren’t just ‘others’. They’re just like you. Sincerely.
Why the attitude?
I’m certain we’ve all heard it said once or twice that someone else’s candle being lit doesn’t stop yours from shining. You have to understand that.
Another psychological cause I can think of is this: maybe we all really feel slightly flawed, so when we see some other person being proven as a flawed individual, it assails our troubled minds. They say misery loves company, right? It probably makes you feel you’re not the blackest of the sheep. Perhaps human nature revels in that.
Or what exactly?
Whatever it is that it is the cause, I’m certain giving off an attitude isn’t the way forward. Are you familiar with the phrase ”pay it forward?”. Simply put, any good thing you do today to help others, indirectly has a way of helping you tomorrow. So, help someone.
How?
Try by being more conscious of those around you and offering something positive rather than offering nothing.
Examples:

  • Give them the opportunity to do things you never got the opportunty to do (this may be hard but you have to.)
  • Be totally honest with them both in praises and in criticism. I, for one, can always tell when a criticism is coming from the right place and it goes to show you believe in my capacity to do better.
  • Tell people when you think they’re doing something courageous or have something extraordinary.
  • Speak with(not at) peope. It gives people a sense of worthiness. In other words, let people’s opinions count with you. You’re not the boss of the world. Listen.
  • Appreciate the efforts of someone significantly younger than you or a child. You rarely know it, but it goes a long long way. It’s an “Endorsement from above” lol. Try it, you’ll see, there’s pleasure in strengthening the resolve of someone younger.
  • Show kindness to a stranger (someone who can’t repay you).

Affirm people during conversations ( it shows you value their personhood):

  1. Look at people during conversations, no matter how short the discussion is. I’m serious here. Look. Don’t be that insensitive person who is always doing something else when people are talking to them. If you have to do something simultaneously, apologize and explain your position.
  2. Another angle to the one above, is when you’re busy or talking to someone else, don’t act like you can’t hear your name being called by another person. Acknowledge the caller, then ask for a minute.

I think we can do beyond believeing in people, we can let them know we believe in them.
#youcanseatwithus not #youcantseatwithus. Not squad squad all the time. Others that aren’t your friends are great too.
And with your friends? Don’t be selfish too. Their success shouldn’t threaten yours.
Why do I really believe in this?
Last week, I found this piece I once wrote in my journal:
”…When I got admission to study law in the first and the best university, my friend sent exactly this to me:

” DEBORAH I think I should congratulate you again on your admission. I believe you are going to be a great lawyer…nothing else suits you more…and I’m damn serious…be a good girl in school. Go out there and illuminate your world. Never stop being a Jesus fan”

Till date she has no idea how much those words meant to me, coming from another aspiring lawyer. “Nothing else suits you more.”.
Shout out to Desola Ibukunoluwa Olosunde. This blog post is dedicated to you.
I hope you get to affirm one person today or tomorrow and then all the days of your life! Its really what God does all through the bible if you observe.

An anxious heart weighs a man down but a kind word cheers him up

Peace and Afirmations,
Debby

Peacemakers

Life Diary Non-Fiction

Have you ever spoken up when you saw something going on that was wrong? Were you scared? What ended up happening?”

When I saw this prompt, everything went silent in my head. Silent. Of course I knew  I had spoken up after seeing some wrongs being perpetuated a number of times but… the kind of example I wanted to tell wasn’t  coming to mind.
As I saw that prompt, what I interpreted it to be was: “have you ever spoken up for someone when …”  Not just “spoken up when you saw something wrong … “.
I have. It was a little activist work but I hope it matters. It was random but I pray she remembers it. It wasn’t the “lasting effect” type I suppose some people would think,  because there wasn’t some quote from the scriptures to accompany it. But as I wondered if it could actually be of lasting effect,  I remembered :

“blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God” matt5:9

I’m a peacemaker. Amidst other things, I’m an advocate for you, as a person,  making peace with yourself.
It was December 12 , 2016. The chapel Carol was slated for that day.  Chapel of the resurrection, UI has three youth fellowships: IVCU. SCM. TYF. The Carol was designed for the three fellowships and the Chapel children.
An hour before the Carol, I’m walking in the Chapel basement and I stop. I’m speaking with the sisters coordinator of my fellowship who doubles as my friend.
Someone else comes along. She walks briskly in a white dress that has full gathers at the waist. She has her hair let down; it’s a straight, black and shiny weave. I’m thinking it’s similar to the classic weavon I once fixed while in 100level.
She speaks quickly in the straight-to-the-fact manner of someone who has a program to oversee. Compere, I guess. She speaks kindly. She speaks with what I term butterfly flutters( I won’t explain this).
She asks my sisters coordinator cum friend , if she will be available to help with the distribution of the snacks as they had planned.
My friend twirls around  and points at me. “she’ll  help you”, she says.
Fast forward to three hours later, I join the preparation for distribution of snacks outside as the carol comes to a close.
The strategy is settled now and we’re waiting outside the auditorium for the proper time to begin sharing them.
Children are running everywhere. Screaming too. I’m lost in the melody of my mind.
Then I hear an indistinct conversation.
He is young and has an uplifted chin that forever gives him the appearance of a person wearing a smile. He is somewhat dark and short. He speaks with the air of someone who is familiar with people. He is older than she is.
My first observation – She is normal. His words, however, jolt me to notice the first observation of some other people. She is fat.
“… So” he drawls “you’ve been eating abi” he says.
She laughs in a manner and shakes her head.
“No? I can see it on you o or how have you gained weight again, ehn? What happened to exercising? You just stuff everything in your mouth. So do you like it this way now? You just keep eating, eating” he says. There is no hint of condensation in his voice. He is just speaking.
She keeps laughing as he speaks and somewhere in between manages things like “Nooo”
I sigh.
She is young. Maybe 15 or 16 years of age. She appears naive and worse still, used to ill treatment. Of course she doesn’t recognize this as an ill treatment.
I sigh again.
I speak before my ears take in too much of his words and before it is time to share the snacks. The children are still screaming and running. It’s a normal setting outside the chapel auditorium, just as the dusk falls .
“can I say something?” I ask him” I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation”
He looks at me. He is still shorter than I am. He has that appearance and I can’t tell if he smiles at me or its the cheek bone doing its trick again.
“yes” he says. I suspect it’s the former option. He smiles. He assumes I want to endorse his words or something.
“she shouldn’t stop eating just because she is fat. Who can really tell if she eats too much? If a slim person eats double the size she does, will it be okay in that case? ”
” oh no no. We understand each other. She knows I’m not insulting her” he says.
Did I expect a different response?
Blessed are the peace makers for they shall be called the children of God.
I hope my words stuck with her that night. I hope she remembers it in years to come. I hope she doesn’t allow people tell her that sort of thing. I hope in the midst of some of those self depreciating laughs, if she still does, my words ring in her ears, uninvited, without prior notice.
I hope she makes peace with herself.
This  is my way of lending my voice to say stop shaming. Please stop it. As long as you’re aware you have no real point, please stop it. There are implications to this thing which you may not see everyday but it surely occurs. Some people develop Bulimia, others Anorexia. Or low self esteem.
The people you call fat,  don’t have to run the miles that slim people never have to consider in a decade, just to be in the shape that you endorse. If it’s for healthy living, no problem. If you’re in an unhealthy place, then make a commitment to better living, good. That’s different.
The people you call fat don’t have to eat one scoop of Mandarin ice cream flavor(maybe once in two years) and ten scoops of guilt alongside. Only guilt? No, alongside pain and self doubt. Low self esteem.
Always let people thrive. People have enough reasons to cause them doubt in their lifetime than for you to add to the list quite deliberately or carelessly.
Blessed are the peace makers for they shall be called children of God.
I hope you find peace with yourself.

Debby.

Primary 4 blue

Life Diary Non-Fiction 7 Comments

Early last year, our new secretary(as she then was) told me and my sister, that her own sister said she went to the same primary school as we did and that she knows me,we were seat mates etc. hard soft as I tried, I couldn’t remember her.
Two days ago, you know it, I met her. You see, this indefinite strike from school has had me un-serious all the while. In a bid to focus better on my academics, I decided to go to my parent’s office. I would read there, yes!
No. I did not read there. I did read but certainly not enough.  I did read the following day, at home.
back to the story,this girl(herein after referred to as Mary) saw my sister and first said “Debby! No, this is her younger sister”
“elder sister” she was corrected. Already, I wringed my hands in cluelessness where I was.
“Debby!” my elder sister called. Okay, its time to step out. I did. No. I did not recall her face.
She exclaimed! “Oh you’ve changed. Ah, is this you?”
And I took the awkward gait. I could not remember her. I said so as normally as I could, all the while, feeling like a fish.  I felt the need to be polite and especially sorry for not remembering her. It had never happened to me.I just don’t run into people from primary school, not even secondary school. To be honest, I had set my future ever before me. So when I did tell her that my mind had blocked off recognizing people from so long ago seeing as I don’t run into people frequently because I school in university of Ibadan(excuse! Excuse! Pants on fire), she replied by saying “oh but Ore goes to UI too”
“oh yes yes I see him”
That opened the phase of common factors. I still saw so so so and so recently . “We were both in primary 4 blue, mrs. Kehinde’s class.”she said. yes, yes that is correct but guys, I always thought primary 4 blue was my most vivid recollection of primary school life, oh the shame to be proved wrong. “We were seat mates” how cruel of me, not to remember my seat mate.
Of course it was alright and all. She conversed with her sister. I kept feeling like a fish.
Back at my seat, I wracked my memory and did so over and over. Over and over, till crumbs began to fall into place and pictures shift into light. I pictured a light skinned girl standing somewhere by the seat behind mine with a beret. I think she wore a cardigan often but I didn’t consider this fact, asking-worthy. I faintly remembered having had three seating partners, yes.
My friend Cynthia who was transferred to another class then this Mary then Foyinsola.
Guys, I was ecstatic.
My overly active senses still kept picking up on her discussion with her sister while I imagined myself going out again before she left,i imagined  where I would stand so she doesn’t see my skirt doesn’t fit my blouse as she hadn’t seen it the first time, praise God. I pictured which sentence I would say before the other.
“I remember now! They moved Cynthia to primary 4 green then you sat beside me. You were very light. You still are light of course. Then eventually Foyinsola sat beside me. Wow. I remember”
When she was leaving, it didn’t exactly work out like that. I told her I remembered her though. She used to be quiet. We discussed about a few others in primary school before she left. The good part, she didn’t later see the skirt.
That day, my senses were really active. My strike life previously had been monotonous, seeing the same people daily. I had missed the small time shame and guilt you feel for not remembering someone even when they did a year  earlier just having heard your name.
That day, as I walked with my sister, I told her the truth “I don’t think anyone that was in that my class primary 4 blue would forget me, i did lots of things” but in that moment, most of the seats I pictured in my head were filled with black moles, the faces, the names blocked out. Maybe forever. Maybe just for a while, then I would feel part-time time guilt and shame again. Then my senses will be alive in apology. Maybe try as I may I wont recall their faces.