Posts in Educative

Hello Strong Friend.

Educative Life Diary 5 Comments

Hello precious people. Welcome back to this space. How’s life going? I really want to know, feel free to ramble away on how life is going in the comment box. I also advise you learn to journal some of your thoughts down, it helps to analyze your feelings. I don’t do so everyday but for the days that I do, it’s amazing.
Today, I’m sharing part of what I wrote down last year and I was suprised to re-read this year.
I wrote this sometimes last year:

God, I want to cry.
I so want to cry that I can’t type. I just want to cry on someone. For being so strong for so long, I want to cry. I just want to cry for everyday that’s gone by. I want to cry.
My lecturer cried in class today and it’s broken something inside of me, I just want to cry.
I got to IVCU fellowship office today, and in the outer office, I heard some of my friends’ voices inside. I didn’t want to go in because I would have to be strong in front of them.
Since when did that start? Friends you can’t cry in front of?
Friends you can’t break your walls in front of.
Am I like that to other people?

The structure of my campus fellowship’s office is basic: you step into a room, call it your reception area. Then there’s a door leading to a store by your right. Still in the ‘reception’ area, there’s a door in front of you that leads to what we often refer to as “the inner office” or inner court (in reference to the Jewish temple).
The walls are made of thin wood, and it’s really just dividing one big office. You can understand that the voices carry.
The context: That day, my lecturer had cried in class and it surprised me, surprised everyone. But it did something more to me, it made me want to cry. I had something to do at my fellowship immediately after my class and I hadn’t cried yet 😀.
Discussion: It’s alright if I didn’t want to break down in front of more than one person but the real issue was the thought that flashed by my mind making me think I had to be strong in front of people.
Strong. Strong? Who is strong please? Such a relative word. Truth is there is more strength in vulnerability than in ‘bold face’.

Since when did that start? Friends you can’t cry in front of?
Friends you can’t break your walls in front of.
Am I like that to other people?

The real question was whether I had friends who would turn away rather than cry in front of me. I’m not talking of general acquaintances. The few and deliberate friends.

Cornelius Lindsey, I referred to him in this blog post, put this picture up on instagram. A part of his caption says:

“To be the strong friend is a desirable position because it means you’re valuable and useful.
Unfortunately strength turns to weakness when it’s used without rest and replenishment. That’s why it’s important for strong friends to have true friends who s/he can be honest with when asked “HOW ARE YOU?”
So strong friend, don’t hide behind pride! Answer honestly for your own sake. I know you help others, but you need help too.”

It’s got two aspects. Check on your strong friends selflessly.
Two, allow yourself to be checked on. Don’t turn back. Go in. No pride allowed here.
There’s a saying that goes:

“Good friends never let their friends cry alone”.

I tell my friends ‘make me a good friend please, don’t cry alone’. Na beg I beg.
A problem shared is a problem half solved. Be deliberate about your friends. Don’t just let friendship happen to you. “We’re in the same group, so we’re friends; we work together, so we’re friends“. That’s cool on a surface level but you must have friends you can tell the brutal truth. Brutal, being the emphasis.
My message to you: Choose your friends, then trust them.

Truthfully,
Debby.
Go on ahead, how are you doing?

Affirmations; in honour of the girl who believed in my lawyerly skills

Educative

I have noticed that there’s so much shaming, people-bashing or deliberate subbing and shading of our fellows. I say our fellows because there’s a bond there. You are forced to consider that they aren’t just ‘others’. They’re just like you. Sincerely.
Why the attitude?
I’m certain we’ve all heard it said once or twice that someone else’s candle being lit doesn’t stop yours from shining. You have to understand that.
Another psychological cause I can think of is this: maybe we all really feel slightly flawed, so when we see some other person being proven as a flawed individual, it assails our troubled minds. They say misery loves company, right? It probably makes you feel you’re not the blackest of the sheep. Perhaps human nature revels in that.
Or what exactly?
Whatever it is that it is the cause, I’m certain giving off an attitude isn’t the way forward. Are you familiar with the phrase ”pay it forward?”. Simply put, any good thing you do today to help others, indirectly has a way of helping you tomorrow. So, help someone.
How?
Try by being more conscious of those around you and offering something positive rather than offering nothing.
Examples:

  • Give them the opportunity to do things you never got the opportunty to do (this may be hard but you have to.)
  • Be totally honest with them both in praises and in criticism. I, for one, can always tell when a criticism is coming from the right place and it goes to show you believe in my capacity to do better.
  • Tell people when you think they’re doing something courageous or have something extraordinary.
  • Speak with(not at) peope. It gives people a sense of worthiness. In other words, let people’s opinions count with you. You’re not the boss of the world. Listen.
  • Appreciate the efforts of someone significantly younger than you or a child. You rarely know it, but it goes a long long way. It’s an “Endorsement from above” lol. Try it, you’ll see, there’s pleasure in strengthening the resolve of someone younger.
  • Show kindness to a stranger (someone who can’t repay you).

Affirm people during conversations ( it shows you value their personhood):

  1. Look at people during conversations, no matter how short the discussion is. I’m serious here. Look. Don’t be that insensitive person who is always doing something else when people are talking to them. If you have to do something simultaneously, apologize and explain your position.
  2. Another angle to the one above, is when you’re busy or talking to someone else, don’t act like you can’t hear your name being called by another person. Acknowledge the caller, then ask for a minute.

I think we can do beyond believeing in people, we can let them know we believe in them.
#youcanseatwithus not #youcantseatwithus. Not squad squad all the time. Others that aren’t your friends are great too.
And with your friends? Don’t be selfish too. Their success shouldn’t threaten yours.
Why do I really believe in this?
Last week, I found this piece I once wrote in my journal:
”…When I got admission to study law in the first and the best university, my friend sent exactly this to me:

” DEBORAH I think I should congratulate you again on your admission. I believe you are going to be a great lawyer…nothing else suits you more…and I’m damn serious…be a good girl in school. Go out there and illuminate your world. Never stop being a Jesus fan”

Till date she has no idea how much those words meant to me, coming from another aspiring lawyer. “Nothing else suits you more.”.
Shout out to Desola Ibukunoluwa Olosunde. This blog post is dedicated to you.
I hope you get to affirm one person today or tomorrow and then all the days of your life! Its really what God does all through the bible if you observe.

An anxious heart weighs a man down but a kind word cheers him up

Peace and Afirmations,
Debby

Privileged generation

Educative

Hiii guys. I penned this down on 26th of March 2018.
18:03.
I hope you learn a thing or two.

Those you flock around determine who you will turn out to be in a few years.
First point I want to discuss is that we’re a privileged generation. Ife Grace-Dada wrote something once and I agree with her(check out her blog and fb page, she’s a committed Christian writer). Paraphrase: Ask most young christians and you would see that their best ministers are mostly those whose churches they’ve never stepped foot into.
Following this premise, it applies to most areas of life, that the people who inspire you may be those you’ve never had to meet in person yet in a certain aspect you consider them lit!
Some parents and grand-parents may never understand this. 😊 and some do.
Sometimes you follow such people on social media and imitate them as they imitate Christ, or learn a thing or two about decent human behaviour.
Personally, I have someone who inspires me with her simplicity, decent fashion, and her knowledge of God’s word.
There’s someone else whose confidence and openness in sharing her love for God, inspires me.
I think it helps when you don’t just wildly envision who you want to be in a few years time, but when you consciously take steps that propel you in that direction. You surround yourselves with people of that sort. Association works.
Before long, even if you didn’t grow up in a home that projected that virtue, you’re conscious that your dressing should be neat, smart and project Christ; not done haphazardly. You become conscious of other people’s feelings, you empathise. You learn some biblical truth you previously didn’t know.
What am I really advocating for with this post?
Reach beyond your immediate world. Don’t just chat away your internet time; you can know more about gardening through your instagram friend living someplace other than where you are, you can understand the arguments for home-schooling through twitter, you can access in-depth bible exposition through facebook, or you can learn about the precision and neatness of the Swiss through reading. You can be an all-rounder.
Janice James said:

‘‘I’ve travelled the world twice over,
Met the famous saints and sinners,
Poets and artists, king and queens,
Old stars and hopeful beginners,
I’ve been where no-one’s been before, learned secrets from writers and cooks
All with one library ticket
To the wonderful world of books”

You have no excuse for not knowing beyond what’s in your immediate surroundings. So many instruments at your disposal.
Remember: privileged generation.
p.s: I hope no one is saying why should I bother knowing about home-schooling and gardening? Okay o. Okay.

Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela

Educative Movie Reccomendations

I appreciate that with my movie recommendations, I don’t have rules as I do for my book reviews. So prepare to read any and everything😊. (Long post alert).

After viewing Nelson Mandela’S LONG WALK TO FREEDOM :
Storyline and opinion
Nelson, is approached by the ANC to join the congress and he declines. He only accepts when his friend is beaten to death by white police officers one night. He agrees to politics knowing there is power in togetherness. Other than that, he is just someone who wants to do his family proud though prevented by his promiscuous nature. Mandela is now deeply involved in politics and his first marriage can’t withstand that pressure.
He organizes campaigns and protests against the discrimination of the blacks. He leads the people to burn their passports and refuse the authority of a state that hates them.
Winnie, the new love of his life and new wife shares the same political views as Mandela. She even becomes boundless when Nelson is locked away and she herself gets imprisoned. She is violent to a fault and instigates greater rebellion among the people who look up to her, she is devoted to this cause.
There is a portrayal of loss of the innocence of youth for them both as the battle with the state gets fiercer. The ANC employs violence to achieve its aims and they get labelled as terrorists. Mandela is locked up in a prison in Robben island with his three friends after being sentenced to life imprisonment.
More goes down.
How does a man go on from being labelled a terrorist to being the president of the same state and causing a radical change in the system?
It was a revolution he birthed.
When Winnie Mandela died on 2nd of April this year, someone tweeted something along the lines of Winnie and Nelson’s eventual fall out.
I genuinely wondered about that. I think on a whole Mandela had a poor relationship with women as reflected in the movie. Two marriages and both went sour?
Another angle is that, his thinking was advanced. Not only Mandela and his wife’s relationship grew a bit sour but his friends found it hard to believe him after he began dialoguing with the government. Something about this reminds me of pastor Sam Adeyemi’s teaching of how if you would be remembered 600 years from now, (if Jesus tarries,)the decisions you would be making today would be incomprehensible to the people around you because you’re factoring 600 years into the picture and they’re not.
Today, we still talk of Mandela, what if Winnie at that time and others, had some difficulties with him for a while? Perhaps because the cause he was pursuing was beyond their time; it would speak a lot in the coming years as we can now see.
Excerpts

” My name is Nelson Mandela and I am the first accused. I do not deny that I have planned sabotage. I did not plan it in the spirit of recklessness or because I love violence. The hard fact is that fifty years of silence has brought the African people repressive legislations and fewer and fewer rights . Africans want a just share in the whole of south Africa. We want equal political rights. One man, one vote. I have dedicated myself to this struggle of the African people. I have fought against white domination. I have fought against black domination. I have cherished the idea of a free democratic society where all persons live together in harmony with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and achieve but if need be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.”

Interviewer:”Mr. Mandela, what is it that you personally want?
M: ”I want freedom. I have beautiful children and a beautiful wife. I want them to walk free in their own land.”

Likes
The national call at the beginning of the movie is very much appreciated. These days, I question unity in my country, I question allegiance. Are we really raised to be loyal, and patriotic? Are the primary and secondary schools teaching us that things may not be the best right now but we should respect, cherish and serve our country? Correct me please but I don’t think many are. I was at a judicial function some weeks ago*; a special court sitting, and as you are wont to in the midst of important figures, I was on my best behaviour and alert. When we sang the national anthem at the start and close of the court sitting, I reflected on the words of our anthem. It was one of the rare moments of my consciousness and resolved patriotism to my country. Perhaps this discussion is for another post. By way of summary, I admire the call made to the south African young ones at the start of the movie.
Dislikes
My dislike stems from the fact that Nelson didn’t have faith in Jesus. Of course that told on his family. Mandela is a deeply flawed human as reflected, even sometimes violent in his early years but with time, he aged with wisdom.
As regards the filming, I’d rather the romance part was done away with so the movie can be viewed at all circles but it isn’t so.

I’m very much interested in reading the book, his biography. How does a person walk that bravely? At the time he did that long and lonely walk, he didn’t know he would one day be celebrated, he only did each day, what he thought was right and stood by his decision.
I adore his conclusion in the movie:

”no one is born hating another because of the colour of his skin
”

I think it’s a worthwhile movie. Worth-the- while. Worth the time. Made also to fuel ruggedness in your beliefs, and to encourage you to sacrifice, and to lead. It preaches perseverance and that a life worth living is one spent in a cause you believe in.
Disclaimer: this is a recap of what is portrayed in the movie and in no way an attempt to recap Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela’s autobiography.

  • I wrote this article long before this publication. It isn’t a few weeks ago I was at the court sitting.

Penny A thousand naira for your thoughts?
Love and Impact,
Debby.

Exposition: What is Impostor Syndrome? 

Educative 7 Comments


I’ve wanted to write this post since the inspiration first came. I once saw a person write “I am aware” in a space meant for complimenting yourself. I like that. I envy it; to be aware, informed, enlightened.
I learnt of the term Impostor Syndrome(IS) not so long ago.
It is a concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud.
It’s common among high achievers. They believe their success isn’t well deserved.
I first got to learn of it when Mariam Olafuyi had an instalive session on Instagram sometime last year. Ever since then, I noticed it easily in books I read, I saw it on the internet. Simply put, I became conscious of it and discovered its been a long standing discovery.
It’s very easy to think of it as Low Self Esteem (LSE) but it isn’t. Someone asked a question on that instalive session on whether any difference existed between IS and LSE. She responded by saying they’re different. I’m paraphrasing her answer:

“It isn’t the same. I know I’m awesome. I think I’m pretty cool. I don’t doubt that. The issue is when opportunities come, I don’t think I’m best suited for them.”

Both concepts can rightly be said to be distant family relations, so far as you admit that they are different. IS doubts results produced, LSE doubts the worth of the person.
IS is also referred to as Impostor phenomenon or Fraud syndrome. One easy way to diagnose it is that while a part of you tells you that this explains that feeling you often have, another part tells you ‘No, you’re simply famzing the category, reading too much meaning into your inabilities, you probably just have poor output’.
The condition
The condition “Impostor syndrome” was first identified in the late 1970s by Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes. Their research showed that many high-achieving women tended to believe they were not intelligent and that they were over-evaluated by others.
IS is not rare, according to a study in the International Journal of Behavioral Science, it is estimated to occur to 70% of people from all walks of life, both men and women experience the impostor syndrome at some point in their careers.
Another study revealed almost 75% of surveyed students at Harvard Business School also felt like they were admitted due to some failure of the admission process.
Technology is growing so fast that most of us are learning something new on almost every project we work on. And that can make you feel like you don’t have the expertise you should have to rightfully be in that position.
I saw two Ted talks that I think shed more light on this concept. The speakers didn’t for once mention Impostor Syndrome but it was, in my opinion, close to their areas of concentration.
This by Sheryl Sandberg and This by Reshma Saujani.
Impostor syndrome is more common in women. Sheryl Sandberg, author of Lean In said:

“Men attribute their success to themselves while women attribute it to other external factors.
If you asked men why they did a good job, they’d say ‘I’m awesome, why do you bother asking?’ If you asked women, they’d say someone helped them; or they got lucky; or they did a good job…”

Another fact is that men are more likely to apply for a job in which they meet 60% of the requirements, while women will most likely not apply unless they meet 100% of the requirements.
This isn’t to fault the male folk in any sense, its simply to highlight the extent to which women lean back and why Impostor syndrome is consequently, more common in women.
Teaching women bravery instead of perfection, will go a long way in alienating IS because then you are taught to try.
My theory is that IS has gotten enough flesh to feast on because of our approach to a failed attempt. We all think ill of an attempt which didn’t turn out well. We should rather, think well of the courage that fuelled that attempt in the first place.
When that is accomplished, it goes to say when we do in fact succeed, it would not be sacrificed on the altar of “it just happened“, “I got help“, “ I was lucky“. It didn’t just happen. You did well. You succeeded. Believe it, own it.
Some of the tips to overcoming Impostor Syndrome include:

  • Keeping a file/folder of all the compliments you recieve on the work you do. You can always consult it to forge ahead on cloudy days.
  • Admitting that its impostor syndrome that’s preventing you from trying something new, from accepting your good work. Say it. Say it and it immediately becomes less of a threat.

“I own my own successes. I wear them as a badge. I have privileges but I’ve been able to leverage them. I’ve not done much but what I have done is substantial. I celebrate my work.”

There are a million other things you can learn about impostor syndrome and how to overcome it. A few helpful links: one and two. Research some more, the internet is (well, can be) your friend. Lol.

You may be immune to this, but you have a friend who isn’t. Share this post with them and stay enlightened.
I really hope this has been of help. If it has, do share. Have a great weekend and don’t forget to tell us what you think in the comment box.
Peace and Light,
Debby.

Finance and perspective

Educative

“Only self-discipline keeps you learning when there is no one marking your script. Only great managers of self become great leaders tommorow.”

-Excerpts from Engaging the power of self discipline.
We’re meant to improve on ourselves, as humans. When we stop, there is a problem.
We’re to constantly assess ourselves and make necessary improvement.
Any dimension of life you do not have a firm grip on, has room for improvement. It doesn’t matter if that dimension is oily, get good gloves, do something. You should have a grip on it. That’s discipline.
No one wants to get to that stage in their life when they wonder if it’s not too early to regret. Regrets are awful. Regrets are terrible.
For major matters however, it’s best to have a firm grasp pretty early in order to avoid regrets. Live consciously, live with an aim to get better.
Personally, finance has been an aspect I’ve not had full grasp on.
I’ve never entered debts nor had financial difficulties but I cannot categorically say that I can control my finances. Some months, it’s yaaay. Some months it’s naaaay. I wouldn’t even tell you which one surfaces more often.
I spend easily once I’m shopping. My shopping cart just gets fuller and fuller with pretty things, relevant things, yet all the same, things I can do without.
Just on wendnesday, I had an appointment with a natural hair stylist. As the high-maintenance lady that I can sometimes be, I agreed to spend some amount of money. This agreement was over three times what I budgeted to spend before we had our meeting. I was won over by my love for my hair and by my satisfaction that she was quite knowledgable in her field. It took some holy-spirit inspired thinking at night for me to change my resolve. Yes, I still love my hair. No, I don’t like breaking agreements. However, we need wisdom to make wise decisions. We’re people of integrity and we stand by our words, yet wisdom is pivotal.
In the bible, Proverbs6:1-3 says

“My son,
if you guarantee a loan for your neighbor or pledge yourself for a stranger with a handshake,
2 you are trapped by the words of your own mouth, caught by your own promise.
3 Do the following things, my son, so that you may free yourself,
because you have fallen into your neighbor’s hands: Humble yourself,
and pester your neighbor.
4 Don’t let your eyes rest or your eyelids close.
5 Free yourself like a gazelle from the hand of a hunter and like a bird from the hand of a hunter.

Are you currently taking a decision financially or otherwise which you need to back away from, carefully consider that passage.
Financially, work towards savings and investment, it never hurts.
Work towards discipline. Have a grasp on your finances.
I took another step by following @clevergirlfinance on Instagram. I’m assured those constant tips on the page, would go a long way.
I’ve also subscibed by e-mail to newsletters on their website and I advise you do too. It’s a really helpful platform. I feel richer by simply having discovered their website.
You may not be earning your own money yet ( probably as a student) but why wait till then to get a grip on financial management?
A man is not yet old until regrets take the place of dreams.
-John Barrymore

Do you have plans for your finances? Do you always live by your budget? Share your defeats and achievements in the comment box, let us learn from them.

Mistakes and perspective

Educative

Hello. Happy independence day celebration to Nigerians.
Today, I’ll be sharing on mistakes and ways to retrace our steps and learn from them.
I’ll share using instances of mistakes I’ve made over this past weekend and useful tips you could all use, if faced with similar situations.
1. Understand that sometimes, our emotions face court room trials. 
I have written a blog post on vulnerability for several months now which I haven’t uploaded on the blog yet. In retrospect, I feel it could as well have been a sanctimonious post. I thought I was Open, honest and vulnerable because I perceived myself to be so based on certain criteria and also, people’s observation. I went ahead and wrote the post confidently while offering useful points.

Honesty? that’s true.

Openness? that’s very debatable among the people who know me intimately.

Vulnerability? …uh. we have a problem here.
On Saturday morning, I had to expose something I considered quite intimate which got me emotional at a gathering and I guess I wasn’t very pleased with the outcome of the meeting after that. I was a bit hurt. During the day, I looked at the word of God and cried and prayed and looked at the scriptures again, then I slept. I discussed with my sister on the phone later that night.
Today, I wonder what made that incident upset my day terribly. It was my vulnerability on the stand and I took ill emotionally.
If you’re faced with a similar situation, you must recognize that there is a tendency for you to blow the facts of the incident out of proportion because it’s personal to you. If you asked other people, they wouldn’t percieve it as strongly as you do. So, calm your emotions down. Court trials aren’t even as bad as they appear to the lay man.
2. Get what lesson God teaching you and stick to it. Over the next few days or hours, you may want to over-rationalize the issue again. Don’t do that. Stick to what God has told you instead. If you over-rationalize, you tend to justify your own weaknesses too and blame the other party. In case you haven’t realized, the blame game helps no one.
Also, it’s always a wasted experience when you “suffered” so much and you’re still unable to decipher the lesson behind it all.
3. Stick to your plans. Did you schedule plans for the day? Try to stick to them. Your schedule doesn’t have to be overturned if it isn’t a major matter you’re dealing with. You could breathe in and out, literally, then proceed with your responsibilities.
A deviation from your scheduled plans would probably cause more anxiety over the load of work you have to achieve by the next day or cause some other damage.
Trust God for the strength to carry on.
4. Speak to someone who often understands you. I mentioned that I called my sister at night and we spoke. She encouraged me.
I know we all sometimes insist, especially when we’re emotionally spent, that no one truly understands us. No one may understand everything about you but someone understands certain aspects of your life. Why don’t you speak to someone you trust, who would reassure you. This should be done wisely. Don’t speak with someone who will slander the offenders in their quest to ‘help’ you.
5. Don’t downplay what you have/ who you are (because of that error)
I did some reading during the weekend. Mostly blogs- I read new blogs, caught up on old blogs too. I enjoyed doing so. Everyone inspired me richly. It however, didn’t occur to me that I have some people getting inspired by my blog too and that they’re waiting for updates. There was an update I planned to, but failed to make on Friday.
A friend of mine called and asked about my blog. She set me thinking.This post is up to remedy that. I have a good blog,  I will remember that.
These lessons are pretty General yet selective. Like I stated earlier though, they’re simply lessons I drew out from my mistakes over the weekend.
Anytime you’re faced with mistakes you’ve made, rather than berate yourself, look out for lessons.
Don’t get stuck in self loathing by realizing all the wrong things you did without realizing what you can do to improve on them next time. Sharing those tips with others around you is also productive. Enough self loathing people. It’s mind over matter. Perspective matters!
Let us hear from you. What lessons have you learnt from your mistakes of late? We could benefit from them so share with us below.

My friend wants to tread

Educative

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Friends have no need to tread softly on your heart
They’re the first to walk the route that others still will
They’re the ones to clear out the bush,ensure no weed in your life
So when others come, they say
Hey you’re so smooth
No I’m not smooth
Okay yes I’m smooth
But I was not smooth
I was full of thumps and grasses and weeds
Never easy to press down, these weeds
So friend don’t tread softly
Let me know, speak up when I sit incorrectly, tell me when I yawn badly, tell me when I’m disrespectful, remind me when I’ve forgotten my creator
You’re the first to tread
Please tread to beautify my heart
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Debby Adebayo

Lips sealed

Educative

image

And because I saw this post I had typed and left out to dry. Sometimes you really don’t need to disagree in words. For a trailer-load of reasons. If you care to know I could write a post on it. You just really don’t have to always voice out disagreement. With that, I leave you to read.

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In those moments when their happiness breaks the silence and rings aloud
Do you feel wrong for ever despising them?
Do you ever feel satisfied for having indulged them and having kept silent
Silent in times when your whole being was yawning to correct, to dispute
Debby Adebayo

building happiness

Educative

it’s in this flutter of a new life
this hope that springs to my mind
smelling of freshness
scenting rose
it’s where I place myself
never really having been
never waiting for it to show up
forming happiness from these jigsaw puzzle
never complete
it’s where I place myself